Dear Masculine,
For you, both within and without, he of the sacred seed, he of the warrior heart, he the little boy lost, the golden child of play and innocence, the man he became, the beloved, the sacred, the toxic, the conscious and the unconscious, the becoming and the become; I lay down my sword and commit to listening to the truth of the dance between us so we may together stand in unison once more.
I write to apologise for my misdoings, my pain and the projections I have inflicted upon you. I seek not to forget the misdoings from either of us but to understand, to open, to learn and to lean in. To listen to you from a place of heart, love and compassion for us both. Whilst there is pain there is also misunderstanding. I wish to stand beside you, to open myself to you, to be held by you, to hold you, to love and make love with you with all my heart, my soul and my BE-ing. I ask only you listen and read from a place of allowing this to land as it lands absorbed through the sacred vessel of your mortal body, may it land in your heart, act as a conduit, and open a pathway for connection and healing.
I’m sorry for the mixed messages I’ve sent your way because I have been unclear of my own needs and desires.
I’m sorry for the times as a woman I’ve belittled, bitched, and bemoaned you behind your back to my girlfriends, because I’ve been afraid to face you, to communicate my truth.
I’m sorry for the stories and wounds of my ancestors which run deep in my veins. These mistruths that I wear as a cloak, claiming as my own, carrying the toxic beliefs of ages past to poison our journey downstream together. I’m sorry for not having been brave enough to see past these old beliefs and begun to weave my own cloak of truth, I commit to that now.
I’m sorry the times my wounded self has pushed you away, blocking you from loving me, for the belief I’m unlovable. I’m not good enough. I’m unworthy…the list is long.
I’m sorry for my personal stories of hurt which I carry, blocking my vision to possible union, without giving space for you to show yourself to me and write a new story.
I’m sorry for the times I have played the victim and cast you as the perpetrator whilst also wanting you to fix me, by riding in on your sacred steed, or your flash car and whisking me away.
I’m sorry I have wanted you to rescue me financially because I have been too afraid to stand in my own power around money and be brave enough to be fully seen professionally.
I’m sorry for not allowing you to provide for me as I have been too stubborn to let you in when this is one of your ways to show your love.
I’m sorry for wanting to be the ‘kept woman’ yet resented it when you’ve offered because really, I have wanted to be my own saviour.
I’m sorry I’ve held my fear of abandonment and rejection as the shield of Athena with Medusa at my heart, willing you to turn to stone because of my lack of ability to let you in for fear of hurt.
I’m sorry for how I’ve seen you through the lenses of betrayal where I have betrayed myself.
I’m sorry for all the times I’ve said No when I’ve wanted to say Yes.
I’m sorry for all the times I’ve said Yes when I’ve wanted to say No.
I’m sorry for those times I blamed you for taking advantage when I’ve not spoken my truth and stood in my power for fear of being rejected, abandoned…left.
I’m sorry for manipulating you, beguiling you with sex to control, mislead and ensnare you.
I’m sorry for the times I stayed when I should have gone because I feared being alone.
I’m sorry I left when I wanted to stay because the pattern of trauma had me flee rather than confront my demons.
I’m sorry for seeing you as the demon.
I’m sorry for the times I gave up when I could have opened my heart to you and spoken my fears. Instead, I closed like Pandoras box, not believing in Hope, clinging to the old rather than opening to create new possibilities.
I’m sorry for the times I’ve fought you for the sake of having a fight.
I’m sorry for the times I went silent, shutting you out, fearing to speak, for you might leave.
I’m sorry I’ve sabotaged myself to punish us both.
I’m sorry I didn’t know my own needs and how to meet them, instead blaming you. How could you know my needs when I’m blind to them myself?
I’m sorry for the times I’ve blamed you because I’ve been too scared to stand up and open my heart, to stand in my vulnerability. To say…I love you.
I’m sorry for the times I have wanted to rage against the patriarchy and taken it out on you when you too are a product and child of this paradigm. The patriarchy is NOT your fault.
I’m sorry for the times I’ve ceased to allow you your grief. For the fear of the never-ending river of tears within myself.
I’m sorry for the times I both shamed and denied you your righteous rage because I’ve been too afraid to stand in and own my own white-hot rage.
I’m sorry for the times I have called you weak for being vulnerable because I have been too afraid to stand in my vulnerability and be seen.
I’m sorry for hiding from you. From myself. For fear of being seen, holding ancient and current beliefs that I will be persecuted, old trauma again leading the way.
I’m sorry I have not spoken up still somewhere believing ‘little girls should be seen and not heard’.
I’m sorry I’ve curtailed myself, believing the illusion and false narrative of what it is to be a woman, which in turn meant I was unable to meet your gaze upon me.
I’m sorry I’ve allowed my body dysmorphia and stories of being too old, too fat, too thin to prevent me from opening to you, hindering deep intimacy.
I’m sorry for being angry with your sexual prowess, your primal lust and desires, your sacred masculine, another way you express your devotion and love. For making this expression of you wrong as I have been intimidated.
I’m sorry for closing my legs and heart to you, preventing intimacy and passion because I have been afraid of my own primal lust and power.
I’m sorry for the times I have dissociated through intimacy causing you to ask ‘where are you’ because of my own unhealed trauma.
I’m sorry for the times I opened my legs and not my heart to you as this is what I thought you wanted, only betraying myself and adding to the hatred I felt towards you and myself, as again and again I gave away my power, without thought nor care. It was the only way I knew how to be close to you, what I thought you wanted rather than being honest.
I’m sorry for wearing masks, creating illusions in a hope you would want me more.
I’m sorry for asking you to be something you are not rather than accepting the perfect imperfection of you.
I’m sorry I’ve tried to be perfect rather than myself.
I’m sorry for judging you because I’m really judging myself
I’m sorry for dishonouring your sacred seed, your life force and vitality.
I’m sorry for the times I’ve treated your body and scent with disdain because that’s how I view my own and avoid my primal scent of sex and sweat.
I’m sorry for the times I’ve mocked you because I couldn’t turn and face my own shadow in the mirror.
I’m sorry for cutting off my raw passion and wild sexuality for fear of being too much.
I’m sorry you were beaten and berated by others. Your own ancestral and collective wounds run deep. That your heart has been broken and your sensitivity squashed, belittled.
I’m sorry that you were led to believe as man to show vulnerability was weak. For my wanting to ‘fix’ this rather than hold you in a place acceptance, of reverence and love and allow you to heal your own wounds.
I’m sorry for the times I’ve slammed the doors to communication when I have felt hurt because I’ve not known how to speak my truth.
I’m sorry for the times I’ve armoured my heart because I’ve wanted you to complete me because I couldn’t complete myself.
I’m sorry for the desire of a fairy-tale when I must be my own Sovereign being.
I’m sorry for the times I’ve blamed you, scapegoated you because I have been afraid, again, to face my own demons.
I’m sorry for the times I’ve cut off my own voice. Not speaking up and out through fear blaming you instead.
I’m sorry for the times I’ve demanded you open your heart before you were ready because I was insecure in your affections and dependent on your validation.
I’m sorry for the times I have berated you for not communicating, asking you to be transparent to appease my wounded self.
I’m sorry I’ve hounded you for attention rather than honouring your silence and need for being in your man-cave to process.
I’m sorry for not understanding your language of love, for not knowing my own and communicating that so we can understand each other on a deeper level.
I’m sorry for blaming you for all that came before you.
I’m sorry I’ve been too blind and dismembered to see the festering wound you’ve come forth to help me heal in all your perfect imperfections.
I’m sorry for the times I’ve failed to see you in your brilliance and your power.
I’m sorry I have put you on a pedestal then shamed you and got angry with you when you toppled.
I’m sorry for setting you up to fail.
I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused you.
I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused myself which I’ve projected onto you.
I ask that my sacred tears heal the wounds of time between us, that I soften both to myself and to you so I may open to the possibility of deeper love, respect, listening and understanding.
I am sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you.