Are you tired of the ‘blame’ game?

Family Constellations and Therapy have been some of the bedrock of my support over the last few years.  Last year I undertook a particular Constellation around the Victim and Perpetrator archetypes, both of which I know intimately.  Sad to say, they have actually shaped my life significantly over my lifetime, until I realised what I was doing.  Golly that was like having a frozen kipper slap me on the cheek and say WAKE UP!  …Wake up I have. 

Once we realise that we use these archetypes indeed any to run our lives, we have the next tricky and often painful task of taking full responsibility for our actions.  When we take responsibility, we cease to be able to ‘blame’ when we cease to blame, we can find ourselves headed down the rabbit hole of shame.  Blame keeps us locked in old ways, old stories and patterns that we are being called deeply to move away from.  This means restructure, contemplation of our actions, making choice to take a different action and change. All things which many of us avoid due to the discomfort that they bring.

Self-responsibility is empowering, yes, it is also hellish scary!  It means we have to grow up, put on ‘big girl pants’ and realise we have no one and nothing else to ‘blame’ only ourselves.  Yes, I know there have been significant events in many of our lives where things have happened to us, by people, where we have had little to no choice in which we were victims, yet, from my own experience, I know I have stayed in this place of being the victim instead of taking what has happened and turning it around to use it as juice/fuel to empower myself to change how I respond to the event and change my story.

When we take responsibility for ourselves, our lives we are on the path to self-sovereignty.  The wisdom begins to flow. True empowerment means no more blame, no more self-blame, simply an awareness of ‘what is’ and where do we go from here?

No victim, no perpetrator, no rescuer, simply living our full potential….hell…that isn’t as easy as it sounds!  Yet, it is what is being called forth when we choose to live consciously and fully.

In some faiths there is the belief we chose to come into this physical form, into this chalice, this body in which we live. 

Whilst things happen to us which are out of our control, what we choose to do with them is our responsibility.  I believe ‘bad shit can happen to good people’, in this we do not have choice, however, we can choose to continue to blame which causes us to shut down, externalise, rage and numb, covering our shame, grief and fear or shuts us down to inertia, so we feel nothing becoming ever more identified with the victim.


We can become the leader in our own life.  Through work and choice, we look at what happened and how we felt about it and we choose to work through the emotions and trauma and begin to take responsibility for how we are and how we interact both in life and with life.

Whether anything is predestined or prewritten in this life who really knows?  It is of no matter and makes little difference as we are all now here, living as humans.  The wanting to numb out, check out and blame, creates tension in the body.  It results in the loss of a sense of self.  This warped sense of self we have learnt and developed, covers, hides and protects the aspects of us that have been hurt. When these parts are exposed, given space to breathe, to again allow the light and love to fall upon them they begin to heal.

They cry, they rage they express their truth, their rawness and their deep vulnerability. When we shut them away, numb the, bind them from their truth and expression they fester, rot become more vehement, wounded, ‘acting out’ in destructive ways causing us, others and our communities’ pain.

It is our responsibility as adults to truly learn to parent ourselves. Not many of us know true healthy parenting.  This is not a criticism; it is an observation and fact.  Each generation deals with its own level of trauma, we learn parenting through broken wires of communication and lineage.  Once we begin to fully know ourselves our own heart, soul and truth, without and including the ‘ego dynamic’ we begin to fully know who we are here to ‘BE”.

Full responsibility comes from making a choice.  No longer in the blame and shame game!  Blame creates shame.  Shame creates the victim and the perpetrator mentalities which prevent us from fully living.

Do you put down the pointed finger, ulcerated tongue and spiteful words, the pain and loathing which cloak the heart?


Do you take up the peace mantle for yourself, wrap yourself, these tender pieces within it to nurture the broken bones and aching heart you take from broken expectations, conforming to ‘earn love and your place’ when your body and soul shout ‘no!’

From here, anointing yourself with your healing tears, which as they fall loosen the tight threads of the past, the tightness of your heart, chest, womb, limbs and throat?

When we allow the tears to fall, we ease our heart, our longing. We return home to self.  We heal.  We allow the flow, softening to ourselves, to life and to all.  The hard, brittle exterior; the SHELL we ‘think’ is impenetrable, yet always there is in fact a ‘KEY’.  YOU ARE THE KEY TO YOURSELF, your longing, your belonging.

First: you learn how to belong to yourself, this body, this breath, this life

Second: we learn how to belong outside of ourselves

Some of us may learn to ‘belong’ within another’s arms, or group yet this too can be transitory medicine.  Never knowing when the other may go or change, as we are always evolving….this we ‘forget’ and become complacent, settling. Getting stuck! A co-dependency on another person, place, situation.  Relinquishing your power to ‘other’.

So dear one, beloved, tender hearted being of such beauty, it is a journey.  Step by step.

First: gently, gently softly, softly begin to learn how to belong.  Here, now, with you.

Learn to know your body, your breath; the ‘shape of you’ inside and out.  Get to know the smoothness of your skin, places where your hair grows, the moistness, dryness, silky soft hair, nails, how does your breath feel on your body?  From your nose?  Your mouth? 

Your creative hands, stroking your body, holding your own hands and feet? Yes, holding your own hand. That hand of the body that contains all of you.

Begin dear heart to call yourself home, fully to you, to belonging to yourself perhaps for the first time in this life, this body, this place in time.

Let the emotions rise, let them fall, let them flow.  Catch yourself as you feel you are going to fall.  Know you will never touch the ground you will always to be caught by yourself when we allow ourselves.  Catch yourself dear one, catch all those parts longing to fall, the parts that have left through the things that have happened and within all of this we become more empowered.

You are calling your power home, no longer squashing it or giving it away to another, no you are calling it home to you; for you.  From here dear one we begin, we begin.