TRUST THE PROCESS
Oh my; how often do I say that to myself, yet, still find myself ‘pushing’ impatient for outcome, for answers, for clarity, for results before I actually know the answers?
TRUST THE PROCESS…..I used to split chips, snarl and curse those words when they were said to me….yet……I find myself today in my morning practise repeating them to myself over and over and over through the last few months… ‘trust the process, trust the process….trust the process Sarah’.
Every day asking to be shown the way yet ignoring or avoiding when things, people, opportunities fall away. When I ‘didn’t’ like what was happening’. Ignoring that these are also ‘part of the process’. The wanting to be in action. The addiction to ‘being in action. Rarely, if every actually resting back in the stillness, the emptiness for fear of the unknown, ‘the void’. The pain. The pains of loss, the pain of not knowing, of being alone/lonely and feeling very small, silly and useless. Avoiding and resisting the stillness. Resisting the emptiness. Why? FEAR.
Yes, with emptiness for me often comes pain and fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the pain. There is space for me to feel what I have been avoiding from being too busy. Space where I have filled time, filled my life with ‘stuff’ often for the sheer addiction to filling it and often from the unconscious fear of being empty, feeling judged (primarily by myself) for not being busy, for not working, for not delivering, for not birthing new projects, for not, for not, for not…BS!
Over the last year many things have ended. Many things have run their course, or I have made a conscious decision to let them go. People dear to me have left, I have left others. The cycle of life.
I have been reflecting much on these cycles how we as a race are addicted to the ‘summer and autumn’ fullness, busy, joy seeking, reaping the rewards…always a payday…however, what from letting the land, the body rest deeply? To find some stillness and nourishment? To go in rather than out?
Personally, I love winter. Warmth, fires, slow, dark evenings, sensuality and quiet. I feel I have been in a winter phase the last few months especially. A time of deep grieving, shedding, a dive into the womb space, into the depths of my
BE-ingness.
Golly, it’s been so painful as I’ve had to sit with myself in a way I have never done before. I have been so deeply lonely and lost I have not known what to do with myself. Questioned my ‘point on the plant’. I’ve had to sit with my darkest shadows coming up – recognising patterns, learnt, patterns that are imprints. Patterns that have formed from a deep fear of abandonment, rejection, lack of worth. Survival. We all have them. Rarely do we actually invite them in for tea, to sit with them, learn from them, trace them, track them and learn from them. Befriend them and self-parent them. Being careful to honour this and not HIDE within it which I have also been known to do….example…..Netflix addition….. Yet, here I am, coming through. Emerging.
These last few months have indeed been some of the darkest of my life to date… a rebirth. It has been a time of soul emergence. Through the BS into the actuality and realisation of what is…what is not… Many of us want illumination, we want rebirth, we want to be conscious, yet we forget that BIRTH is the first major trauma we all experience…we have to push and be pushed out of a (mostly) safe, warm, environment where we enter a world full of sound, bright lights, slaps and needles….crikey. If we are then taken away without bonding we experience more trauma, abandonment issues set here from here and the cycle repeats….Yes, birth is not an easy Rite of Passage and nor is it when we face change in any area of our lives. Something has to give.
When we allow ourselves to fully TRUST THE PROCESS we have to surrender control of the outcome. This one is hard for me. Yet, what I see and know is this. When I push, when I am so busy yes, I am deeply creative, yet it is often ‘top level’ fire fighting creativity. Which is amazingly helpful and why I am great at improvising, however, for me it is non-sustainable. I have burnt myself out. I had nothing else to give. Like our planet, when we keep sowing and harvesting the soil becomes devoid of nutrients. We can put ‘stuff’ in which helps but it doesn’t’ serve LONG TERM. It is a short-term solution. What we need, what the earth body requires is rest. Stillness, nourishment from the deepest levels. When the body is cared for, it is held with the care and love of compassion then it has TIME to fully integrate, to consolidate. To recharge, to lay fallow and become ready again.
I hear you if you have got this far saying ‘yeah its ok for you saying this but my life sucks’……I GET IT I’ve been there again and again and I know I’ll be there again and again!
A huge part of me kicks, screams, fights and wants to push against this yet, I have had to stop and realise this no longer works for me. Crikey, it can a long process. As I was saying to my therapist it can be DULL sometimes boring and so deeply frustrating! However, I am finding riches and gems I never knew were possible. A softening into myself, my body, my femininity, a balance of my masculine and feminine, finding joy that I have honestly never previously felt. Realising much of how I have been in my life really doesn’t make me soulfully happy at all. I have been reclaiming a wildness and innocence that is not forced, but flows….not forced but flows….
At the moment for me it is only through this allowing of time and space do I begin to know, see and feel the ‘formless’ the creative juice that wants to flow that has been so deeply suppressed through ‘stuff’ and being busy. It is only through this can the formless be given form. To form that which is currently formless.
TRUST THE PROCESS….give space to where there is space. Give time to where there is time….Give nourishment to what is there…..learn to self-parent…..from here we plant seeds that develop strong deep roots. From here we allow the fullness of creativity to flow. From here we nourish and become nourished, we cease to burn ourselves out, we have sustainability. We flourish, we thrive. From here we become. TRUST THE PROCESS lean back into the arms of the self, of the divine and allow. Don’t push…allow….for me I am still surrendering and learning and TRUSTING THE PROCESS I know it is a life-long lesson and journey for me but hey…I love to learn…TRUST THE PROCESS my friend….